Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Ghost Riders, Conclusion

Last time, on Tales of Horror!

And now, the thrilling conclusion of The Adventures of Boss Groinkikka!

     The rest of the night passed uneventfully. The orks might have been a bit more restless that night. They might have held their choppas a little tighter than usual. They might have dreamed scary dreams, if orks dream the way we do. But the boss told them to go to sleep, and so sleep they did. Orks may be unique in the galaxy as being the only race that fears what they know more than what they do not know. Though capable of making great intuitive leaps, Orks lack in traditional imagination. They did not know about the Ghost Riders; they did not know about monomolecular blades or jezails or vicious mutie beasts. What they did know about was Boss Groinkikka and his big choppa and his big shoota, and therefore that was what they feared.

     The next day was a good one. Groinkikka and his mob raided a Rebel Grot weapons cache, where they killed one or two Grots and acquired two or three scars. Then there was loot to squabble over, and there were slaves to punt, and there were squigs to eat and fungus beer to drink. But Groinkikka's boys were really looking forward to that night, when they could hear the rest of the Boss's story. Can you blame them? It was a good story for an Ork. There was loot, there was kicking, and plenty of dakka and choppy. Things really don't get much Orkyer. The Orks played Runtball, but not with their usual gusto - they only went through two runts. They fought, but reluctantly. Nobody wanted to get socked in the ear and be unable to hear the story. Finally, their limited patience exhausted, they crowded around Groinkikka. "Tell us da rest o' da story, Boss! Tell us about da Boneyard!"
     Groinkikka grinned his best crack-toothed grin. "You boys still wanna hear dat story? Last night you was all scared like a bunch o' Diggas. Is you 'ard enough boys ta listen an' not run away an' hide?" The mob clamored their assent, and Groinkikka nodded. "Zoggin' right you is, because you's MY mob, an' we don't grow fraidy-squigs in Groinkikka's mob!" The boys cheered. Groinkikka knew how to work a crowd. "Alright, where did I leave off?"
     Bloodstabba chimed in. "You was tellin us about Gobzok's 'ead, boss!"
     "Ah, right. So dere we was, wif thumpty-thumpty noises all around us, an' then some git goes an' shoots da top o' Gobzok's 'ead clean off wif some kind o' zappy-gun. Gobzok's brain squig hopped out an' started runnin' circles in da buggy like a headless runt, an' Gobzok goes chasin' after it." The boys roared with laughter. They had all seen Gobzok's infamous brain squig running around the camp with Gobzok in tow. Though he was no good for fighting any more, Gobzok was still good for a laugh, and so Groinkikka kept him around. "Kneekappa thought it woz Badzokka come ta steal da boss's new ride, an' Kneekappa wasn't about to let dat weedy Morker take what Gorkers looted fair an' square. So Kneekappa whips out 'is Shoota an' shoots off a load o' bullets in da air, so dem Mork gits would know he's serious as a squigbite."
     At this point, an astute reader will point out that the Buggy in question had belonged to Badzokka a mere three days prior. While this is factually correct, and would be a dynamite legal argument, Orks are not traditionally given to courtroom thinking. As far as an Ork is concerned, posession is nine tenths of the law. Looting is 25%. Fighting and winning is a little over half. Being dead sneaky is a fifteen-point deduction, but only if you get caught. So far, what passes for law among the Orks would be 115% on Kneekappa's side - and if he emerged victorious from this little scrap, his possession of the Mork Gork Five would be indisputable... unless some other klevver nob managed to steal it. So it goes.
     "Tinker Gurglegut finally got da lights on so's da Boss could see wot 'e woz shootin' at. When we saw dem, even Gobzok quit chasing 'iz squig." Groinkikka paused for dramatic effect. "It was a screamin' mob of dead Diggas on dead killy beasties." The boys gave an appreciative gasp. An enemy who could fight on after death? Not even an Ork could hope to be quite that resilient. This was an impressive foe indeed. "An' dese Diggas had dead shooty gunz. Dey zapped one ov da sides right off da Gork Five. Tinker Gurglegutz turned da buggy on an' we tried ta run away, but dese dead gits on deir mutie beasts waz right fast an' we had ta toss all da loot ta get away. Boss Kneekappa was right zoggin' mad about dat. He wanted ta go back an' find da Boneyard an' get his loot back.
Da next day Badzokka came an' found Boss Kneekappa an' shot 'im in da gob wiv a kannon an' Kneekappa never raided again. Now I's da boss an' I say we stay away from da Boneyard!"
So it goes.

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