For a change of pace, this week's segment will be about my newly-finished Gorkamorka Mutie mob, the Ghost Riders. Pictures when I feel like it, and not before! Now you lot sit quiet-like an' listen to my story!
Tonight, we have a special story. A story about Orks. A story about Gork! A story about Mork! A story told by a dork! Prepare for the bone-chilling chronicle of Boss Groinkikka on TALES OF TERROR!
It was a cold night in the wastes of Gorkamorka. Boss Groinkikka and his boys had started a fire, partly to ease their discomfort, but mostly because an Ork with fire is like, well, an Ork with anything else destructive. For hours, the boys had been scrapping and eating and playing Runtball, but the fun was winding down. After all, even Orks like to sleep sometimes. As the Orks were settling comfortably into their beds (each with a knife or choppa under his pillow, because, after all, an Ork is an Ork even when he's sleeping), Boss Groinkikka walked to the fire pit in the center of the shack. He knelt on his haunches before the fading embers and addressed his mob. "Listen up, boys. I's da boss, an' I's got a story for youz, so shut up an' listen good. Dis is a scary story, so if you is a weedy git or a grot or a filthy Digga, den go hide behind a rock or bury your 'ead in da sand or somefing. Dis is a story what needs told sometimes, or else we get greedy an' den we forgets again. Dis is da story of da Boneyard."
The Orks watched their Boss intently. Boss Groinkikka was a good storyteller; he knew big words and had seen loads of things and he only yelled sometimes. When Groinkikka was suitably convinced of his audience's rapt attention, he continued. "Most of you gits is too young to remember da Boneyard now. I was just a wee scrawny boy when Boss Kneekappa 'eard about da Boneyard from dat wheezy Oddboy Pink-Eyes. Pink-Eyes said dat da Boneyard had loads of loot an' shiny stuff, but Orks didn't go dere seein' as it was cursed. Some of you boys remember Boss Kneekappa, of course. 'E didn't give a grot's gubbinz for no curse if there was loot ta be had. Boss Kneekappa didn't grow many teef, but 'e was always rich coz 'e was always looting." At this, several of the larger Orks nodded and murmured their agreement. "So Boss Kneekappa grabbed dat oddboy by 'iz weedy neck and says 'Listen good, ya git. You gimme a map to da Boneyard or I's gonna grind yer giblets inta Squig-chum!' An' da Oddboy looks at 'im all funny-like and says 'I tried to warn yaz, fair an' square, Mork as my witness!' An' den he gives Kneekappa da map an' Kneekappa kicks 'im inna knees." The assembled boyz laughed heartily. That was classic Kneekappa.
Groinkikka shifted in his seat and resumed his tale. "Dat night, when all da uvver Nobs was asleep, Kneekappa roused me an' Gobzok an' Tinker Gurglegut an' says to us dat we's on a mishun. First, we broke in to da Garage an' found Badzokka's favorite Buggy. Some o' you lads might remember it. Da Mork Five, dat real fancy red an' yellow job what had all da flames on it. Well, Badzokka was sleepin' in da back at da time, so first we roughed 'im up a bit, den we stole his buggy." At this, Groinkikka's mob raised a hearty cheer. To a band of rowdy Gorkers, there was no justice quite like beating up a Morker nob. That the stolen buggy would be scrapped or wrecked was almost inevitable, and only made the tale better. "Den we drove dat buggy straight out da gates of Mektown an' into da desert. We thought da 'ard part was over, but we was dead wrong."
Now Boss Groinkikka lowered his voice to a dull rasp. All the boys leaned in close to hear him. "We followed dat map for three days. Finally, as da sun went down on da third day, we got to da spot where Pink-Eyes had marked. You shoulda saw it, boyz. It was loot as far as da eye could see. Broken down trukks wif da dakka still on! Choppas shinin' in da sunset! An' at da center, a crashed 'umie ship full o' so many gubbins it would make your 'ead spin!" The boys gasped, and Mek Bloodstabba started to tremble in his seat. Groinkikka had them hooked now. "Well, we did what Orks do when dere's no fightin' to do - we looted. Kneekappa drove dat buggy through da maze o' wrecked trukks so 'e could get to da 'umie ship, but it got dark an' hard ta see, an' da buggy's lights got broken when we was breakin' through da Mektown gate, so Kneekappa says we's gonna sleep an' head out again da next day. We all curled up in da buggy an' fell asleep, sound as squigs in a mushroom patch. But dat night, it all went bad.
"Gobzok's nerves had never been da same ever since 'e got socked in da gob by dat big Grot-bot an' he was too scared ta go ta sleep. It was Gobzok dat first heard da sound. 'E woke us up an' said 'e thought dere was somebody playin' drums or somefing out dere in da desert. Well, Kneekappa socked 'im in da gobb again an' knocked out some of his Teef an' says 'Use dat ta buy yaself some guts, ya stinkin' git!' But den we started hearin' da thumps too." Groinkikka lowered his voice even more. "Dey got louder... an' louder... an' louder... an' then Gobzok's head went BANG!" He punctuated his story with a shot from his Slugga. All the Boys bared their choppas and knives at one another, startled into a near frenzy by the sudden gunfire. Boss Groinkikka burst out laughing. "You boys are nuffin' but a mob o' scaredy-grots. Go to bed. I's gonna finish da story when you lot is feeling braver."
Join us next week for another thrilling installlment of the none-time awart-winning series, TALES OF TERROR!